This Shouldn't Be Goodbye (Marshal)

[Caedyn James Maslow]

Today was a day that Caedyn thought would never come, and a day that he honestly wished would never have to come but it was happening now. He was going back home, and not just for a visit either, no Caedyn was going home for good since his grandmother passed away and he wanted to be there for his grandfather and a lot of other stuff was just going on in his life. He felt like slowly life was just falling apart and he couldn’t do anything about it, he hated how things were just going down a spiral and he couldn’t stop. All he could really do was drink away all the pain, all the bad emotions that he ever held and feel numb, he wanted to feel nothing when he did this. Pills, drinking, anything he could do to make himself feel even a little better and sometimes even that wasn’t enough for him. He was only slowly killing himself, and he knew that and that was something that Caedyn seemed to fear.

Caedyn really was afraid of death, he wasn’t afraid to say it even though there were so many times where he did wish he was dead he knew that he was afraid of it and he always would be. Caedyn Maslow didn’t want to die, but if it happened there was nothing he could do about it and he knew that too. He just sorta really hoped that he was missed, in the same way that he missed his father who passed away only two years ago and even still it was hard for him. He wondered if that was why his mother and he became so distant now, that maybe in a way she was reminded of his father when she looked at her son. Caedyn wouldn’t know, and it wasn’t something he was going to try and push either because he never wanted to upset his mother. He was surprised when his mother actually seemed upset to hear that her son was going back to Cheshire, forever and she told him that she really did hope he decided to come back.

Looking around his nearly empty place he sighed, there was no going back after he left and he knew that, not after everything that had happened between him and Marshal. He finally came clean about his feelings, the feelings he kept from him for so long. They were feelings that use to kill him to the point that being drunk was the only way he could ever escape them but now he felt like he did something totally wrong. He felt like Marshal could never love him in the way that Caedyn loved him that Marshal could never return his feelings and for that he had to leave before anything ever became awkward between them. He couldn’t let that happen, not to them. No, he cared way too much about their friendship to let it be awkward which is why he had to leave. He wasn’t sure for how long, but he knew he just had too.

Sunday, it was Easter Sunday when he was leaving at noon. It was an important church day but the boy being atheist wasn’t really one to attend church, he felt like there was no point in believing things if he lost both his dad and his grandmother. He lost his faith ages ago; having a feeling he never even had it and besides today was the only day he was able to get a flight to Cheshire so he wasn’t going to say no. One more glance around his apartment he bit his lip just making sure he packed everything he found important before checking his phone, no messages he sighed before putting it into his pocket grabbing his bag to head off to the airport. It was 11:15 when he got there so he had some time to wait before boarding the plane so just sitting down somewhere he stared at his hands biting his lip.

He was really nervous about leaving his best friends behind, but he knew it was probably better off with his addiction being how it was. Maybe America was just not the place for him, minutes passed and he glanced at his watch looking around wishing that he could spot Marshal. He was wishing he’d come and tell him that he didn’t have to leave, to his face rather than behind a computer screen. He wished that Marshal would just come and tell him that he was making the biggest mistake in his life, but it didn’t seem like that was going to happen. Maybe Marshal really didn’t care that much or something, how he couldn’t even see him off. He sighed looking at the time again before standing up. It was about time to leave now anyways, tears filled his eyes. This is just what happens when you tell your best friend that you were in love with them. They just don’t feel the same way so you just feel all awful and you want to die, so here he was. He sure couldn’t die but he could do the next best thing, go home where no one would know about him being in love with his best friend. He could just live his life as a straight guy again, not a confused either like gay or bi person.

He didn’t want to be all different, that was in fact the last thing he wanted. He never wanted to go and complicate things but for some reason it just seemed to go and end up that way and he couldn’t seem to do anything to just fix it and for that he really did just sorta seem to hate his self and just wiping more tears he sighed, well this was it. Once he left there really was probably no turning back, he only seemed to wonder if he would actually be okay with that. Would he be okay with never seeing Marshal and his friends again, he honestly wasn’t even all that sure. Pulling his shirt down he glanced again at his wrist touching the bracelet he was wearing, Marshal got it for him ages ago and he never seemed to take it off. Yeah, everything really did always seem to just go right to Marshal.

[Marshal Raidon Adams]

Marshal was shaking, he was overly pissed. He wasn’t just pissed though, he thought as he swatted a glass off the counter, it shattered on the ground. He was also depressed and confused. He had not a clue as to what to think of his best friend loving him. Marshal hadn’t ever been in love, in love with a guy before; nor his best friend. Of course Caedyn meant the world to him, but he didn’t think of him as anything more than a friend. That all changed a few nights ago.. Marshal couldn’t grasp the fact that his friend was leaving him forever. It practically broke his heart into a million pieces, just like the shattered glass. Why hadn’t he noticed his friends feelings before it had to come to this? Marshal thought of himself as a horrible friend now, being so oblivious. It seemed like everyone had known but him.
Was he one of the people to blame though, for Caedyns abuse of drugs and alcohol? He knew Caedyns father had come to pass, but that wasn’t all that recent. Drinking and drugs seemed a lot for jus that too. Then there was his Grandmothers death, but that was recent. Caedyn had also said something along the lines of doing such things to make himself numb so he wouldn’t have to have feelings.. That had confused Marshal to no end, did Caedyn love him, but not really want to? Marshal didn’t know what to think anymore. A night of drinking hadn’t helped him either, it only seemed to make things worse by making him pissed off at the world and fight with Caedyn.
Then he was stuck in his damn church today, looking after kids. He had left his dorm after picking up the glass for church. Marshal wouldn’t care so much that he was stuck in church for so long if it wasn’t for the fact that his friend was leaving forever that very day. Now Marshal was busy listening to the same old sermon from his pastor, and he had to watch a bunch of whiny kids. On usual circumstances he loved taking care of them and he didn’t have a problem. Today though, Marshal wanted all of them to just take a nap and leave him alone. He chatted on his phone for all of five seconds, just long enough to say hello and goodbye to Caedyn. Reminding him that he wouldn’t get to see him in person again, ever again. He had almost thrown his phone against the wall then, but he had controlled himself.

”He can’t leave me!” Marshal realized in time. He loved Caedyn, he wanted Caedyn, he need Caedyn; more than just a friend would. He hadn’t been able to realize any of this until he was about to walk out of his life forever, but Marshal knew now, and that seemed to matter more than anything. Grabbing his jacket from the cubby holes he ran out the door, leaving the kids with others. He wasn’t being much of a help today anyways, he had a short temper today. Coat in hand, he ran out the back door. Marhsal ran quickly to his car, getting in an driving. Lucky enough, not many people were out on the road. Though he hated abiding the stupid Speed limit. He kept giving nervous glances to his watch, looking at the time almost every few minutes.

Once he got to the airport, he didn’t even lock his car. Marshal had been on a track team since middle school, and that was to his advantage now. He ran fast and on top of his toes, pumping his hands along his sides. He tore through the front doors, his speed break for a mere second just to open it. Then he was stumped. There was a whole line of people in front of him, but he didn’t see any brown curly hair. Marshal started to pump faster, looking at the next sign.The terminal he need was just right there... He ran as fast as possible, he didn’t care about how he looked, the stitch in his sing hardly began to bother him. He moved through the crowd, trying not to run into anyone.

There he was! Marshal sprinted out the last few steps when he saw Caedyn, hardly able to control himself from screaming with relief. ”Caedyn! Caedyn!” Marshal felt out of breath, but he didn’t wait a second before he began to talk. ”You cant leave me, Caedyn! I need you to much. Please just stay a little while longer. I need you in my life, really.” Everything came out hurried and rushed. ”I love you Caedyn, you cant leave. There is a lot more here for you than you think. Theres all you friends, all the possibilities here for you.” Marshal began to feel himself slipping, he didn’t know what to say. He had already said all this and more, but here he was in the airport anyways.

[Caedyn James Maslow]

Caedyn was just sick of feeling bad about his self, he hated having to always cry because it just made him feel weak and that was just the opposite of what Caedyn was. He dealt with a lot of stuff in his life already and little by little they had their effects on him and people seemed to just forget that Caedyn was only human and he had flaws. Caedyn had a lot of flaws, and sometimes he found his self just going and picking at them all. In his mind his largest flaw had to be stupidity, if he wasn’t stupid he probably wouldn’t be standing here right now and he’d be fine with just being friends with Marshal. The thing is he wasn’t okay with just being friends with him anymore, he wanted to avoid the possibility of things ever being awkward between them and because of that he had turned to drinking as an option. A stupid option he knew that, but it did take away some of the feelings only adding new ones into the mix. Caedyn’s life was just a mess, and he had no idea what to even do about it anymore and in a way he didn’t even care.

His eyes were still red from his tears, his sleeve of his blue jacket slightly damp from wiping his tears. He was crying again, he had no idea why and he just couldn’t seem to help it either. He felt like a girl when he cried, it made him feel so weak and when his father died he cried a lot and now he just seemed to feel the same way he did when he passed away. His dad just seemed to die so suddenly, he was always the strongest and healthiest person ever and just it seemed so suddenly that every changed and he found his self in the hospital only clinging to a thread. His dad ended up losing his battle to cancer and later passing away, and Caedyn was left torn apart. He was always so close to his dad and the day he passed away Caedyn just gave up on everything in life that was the biggest reason why he decided to go to college and his grades only become even lower. His mother slowly just lost her patience with her son and pretty much pushed him out of her life and Caedyn knew that he really was just a screw up.

He would always be a screw up and standing here at the airport he was trembling, the tears just falling down his face. He never felt so alone, since no one tried to stop him yet and it was almost time for him to leave and after that there was no turning back. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to do that but he knew he had no choice, he had to get away before things really just became all too hard for him to take. Then again, it just seemed like his life was all together sometimes so hard for him to take and he felt like he was losing control of everything and he just couldn’t seem to stand it anymore, he hated it so much. He could only really take so much stress in one day, and he was over his limit, it felt like he was dealing with the amount of stress he should be dealing with in the course of a week. He was just really going slowly insane and leaving was his only way out, which was just why he was here.

He glanced at the clock before hearing his name being called surprising him, he knew that voice. Turning he looked at Marshal surprised, “M-Marshal” he forced out before the boy even began to speak and when he did Caedyn only listened with tears in his eyes. When he finished speaking his tears were falling again, he just looked so miserable. “Marshal we’re standing in the middle of an airport and you only now decide to tell me you feel the same way that I feel about you, what if wrong with you idiot” he mumbled sniffling trying hard to smile through the tears. He really just looked so broken, “I tell you I’m in love with you. I love you so freaking much Marshal, to the point that it hurt. It actually hurt me to have to hide it from you, that why I drank. So those feelings would go away so I wouldn’t go insane” a sob escaped his lips and he shook his head. He was just having trouble dealing with all these emotions at once, the happiness he felt that Marshal was here, the anger he felt for him waiting so long, and just everything else. He had no idea why he was so mad though, and taking his hand he slapped Marshal hard on the arm. “You gosh darn fucking idiot” he mumbled, clearly he wasn’t at all happy with him.

[Marshal Raidon Adams]

Marshal was overly confused, why was he in this airport? He had done everything short of locking Caedyn into a room and refusing to let him out. He was practically on his knees begging his friend to stay. After three years they had shared all the amazing times; nights of laughter, nights of full blown crazy adventures, the girls they had met.. Marshal was not willing to forget any of those things, he wasn’t willing to forget his best friend. He really loved Caedyn, maybe more than he should. If his speech had failed, if Caedyn left, it was too much for Marshal. This was all so overwhelming to his senses, so much at one time. Though it didn’t matter anymore, he loved Caedyn. This couldn't be the end of it all.

Marshal wasn’t crying, though he felt like he should be. It had been so long since he actually sat down and cried, he tried to hard to keep it inside. When Caedyn’s father had passed away, his tears had been kept silent. He stayed strong for Caedyns sake, because maybe that would help him feel better. It might not have helped all that well, but he set out to be Caedyns rock, or boulder, whatever he had needed. He felt horrible, thinking of all the times he had practically teased Caedyn. Like the times when he would demonstrate how he would swoon a girl, or he made a joke about them being lovers. What an idiot he had been, really. Why hadn’t he seen the pain his best friend had been in? He was so blind.

Wincing at his friends words, Marshal felt horrible. Now that his speech was over, Caedyn was offering a rebuttal. He nodded his head in agreement , there was no disagreeing, really. It was all so true, Marshal was an idiot for never noticing. He was an idiot for waiting until the last possible moment to tell his friend, but at least he had, right? What if it was too late, what if Caedyn left, no matter what Marshal told him? He had already told him all he could think of and more, but maybe he couldn’t just say things. He could practically hear the anger in his friends voice. It was then Caedyn slapped Marshal, on the arm at least. Caedyn was obviously really pissed, Marshal didn’t know what to do! Marshal really loved his friend, and he took the slap like man, he deserved it.

Words. Words weren’t working, but actions spoke louder than words. Marshal knew what he had to do, but how would he do it? ”Listen Caedyn, I love you. I love you more than you think, I need you. I need you like you need me. I love you..” As soon as the last words left his lips, he reached up to kiss Caedyn write on the lips. His arms went out to cup his face just to make sure he wasn’t going to try to move away. Marshal but all that he knew into the kiss, trying to show Caedyn why needed him so desperately. He knew he couldn’t let him go, he loved him. Marshal honestly and truthfully was in love with his best friend.

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[Caedyn James Maslow]

The sad thing is Caedyn knew that he would never be able to forget his best friend either, and that only seemed to make things worse. He knew if he did leave he would still be torn about everything and things still wouldn’t be better knowing that he would always be in love with Marshal, and nothing he could do would ever be able to change that. He felt almost stupid though, for having the feelings that he did because he felt that Marshal would never be able to return them and he would just be alone forever. He knew that if Marshal didn’t love him there really was no point in even trying to find anyone else, because Marshal was the first person he really truly did love and he wasn’t joking for even a minute, because Caedyn would never joke about something so serious and he wasn’t drunk when he admitted it either. No Caedyn really was in love with his best friend, there was no hiding anything and he wasn’t trying to deny it either. He was just really afraid of the rejection, which is why he wanted to leave and save his heart from breaking anymore. He now understood how girls seemed to feel when he broke up with them. He could tell now it was an awful feeling, and in a way he almost felt bad for them.

Caedyn couldn’t stop his tears from falling, he always did seem like the sensitive type of person even though he tended to act a little cocky sometimes. It was only really truly a mask he wore to hide his self from everything that was happening, he was afraid of everything that was going on lately and he felt like he needed an escape. He was always so hurt and unhappy that Marshal couldn’t see just how much he really loved him that he couldn’t see just how much what he said even just effected him, he was always just so torn and upset that he was losing it. He knew if he had to deal with all of this much longer he would go off and kill his self, he didn’t want to let it come to that. He really didn’t want to die, he never wanted to die but if it came to that so be it. Thousands of people just died everyday and he was wondering if he would be one of them. Maybe he wouldn’t have much of a choice, with his use of drugs and alcohol really anything seemed possible now a days and that wasn’t good.

As he spoke he felt the tears just falling down his face and he was just getting more upset by the second and with every word he said, he glared at Marshal wanting to be mad at him ever though it was so hard for him to be. He wasn’t to be angry with him but he just couldn’t seem to get his self even mad at him, and smacking his arm made him feel no better either. If anything slapping his arm actually made him feel worse then he already did, and wiping his eyes he sighed listening to Marshal as he spoke again and then he kissed him. The second Marshal kissed him Caedyn was speechless, he wouldn’t be able to pull away even if he wanted to as he stood there his face in Marshal’s hands with his lips on his. He was surprised, but he was glad to know that Marshal really did love him too.

[Marshal Raidon Adams]

Marshal wasn't going to walk away from the airport empty handed. If anything, he was going to walk away with Caedyns hand in his. This was all different, this might all be horribly awkward, but Marshal wanted to try. Marshal was not the one to walk away from a good fight, and he was gonna fight for his friend back. There was to much at stake for both of them, there was just to much of everything! Caedyn was not just another memory in Marshals shoe-box of memories. If this didn't work, well...Marshal hoped he had enough money for another ticket to Cheshire. Or maybe that was just a bad idea. If his friend wanted to get away from this place so bad, Marshal just might end up complicating things further. He just couldn't sit here and accept it either. Everything was so damn complicated. He blamed himself mostly, for never realizing anything. If any of this could have been prevented, Marshal would have made sure.

Marshal knew he would be depressed if Caedyn left. He couldn't even begin to think about a possible life without him. He would go insane, he would freak out, he wouldn't have a reason. Not any number of drinks, one night stands, or drugs could patch the missing piece that would appear in his heart. No, not a piece. More like a whole gap in his heart. That's why he had kissed him, why he said all the things he did. Marshal didn't like seeing his friend in such pain, slowly seeing the effects all the drugs and drinking were doing to him. If he could get him to stay, Marshal would try to make it all better. He didn't know how yet, but he was sure there was a way. Nothing could be impossible, a lot of people bounced back from addictions every day. Marshal had watched his own mother bounce back, and that showed him it was possible. All the people on TV, all the stories shared. Though Caedyn had bluntly refused AA meetings, there was different methods than that perhaps.

Breaking the kiss was probably one of the hardest things Marshal had done yet, but he was out of breath. He let go of Caedyns face and moved back a step. His arms immediately went to his sides, rendered useless. He cleared his throat before he said anything, because it suddenly felt closed. " Please stay?" Marshal said, his voice wavering on a sheepish tone. He really didn't know what to say after such a kiss, but he hoped it got the message across. "Do-Do you see now? What I meant?" He looked to Caedyn for an answer, looking for a sign or something to tell him that he would stay. Marhsal was pleading on the inside in hopes that none of this would be in vain. This was his last leg, this had to work.

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[Caedyn James Maslow]

Caedyn wasn’t sure what to even think anymore as the feelings and thoughts only seemed to become harder for him to handle and he only felt his self sink deeper and deeper into his depression, and it wasn’t just Marshal that seemed to make him feel this way. Caedyn seemed to be a self loather, and he could never really think of anything really good about his self and he just loved to be his self down. He knew he shouldn’t do that though but he still did, and then he ended up only feeling worse about his self in the end. It was a pretty pointless process but that was nothing he could do, besides if he wasn’t stupid he probably wouldn’t be standing here right now so he just had to be stupid. He was pretty sure his mother thought that he was stupid; he never even really talked to her. Things really got bad when his father died, and through the years they only got worse. With her son drinking and doing drugs Caedyn’s mom only turned on him and now they hardly even talked to each other, Caedyn’ just really use to live there in her eyes.

To think they use to actually have a better relationship, but now everything was just so messed up and Marshal really have no idea what he was doing anymore. He was breaking. The only reason why Caedyn refused to get help was he believed that he didn’t have a problem and since he didn’t have a problem there was no use in even trying to fix anything, and if that was the case he was just perfectly fine and he had no idea why people were always worried about him. He never thought that was anything wrong, he just liked to drink and smoke sometimes and that was really no big deal, it was the fact that he would pass out due to his drinking and even forgot things that was bad actually. There was nothing wrong with drinking, a lot of people drank and he knew that so why did people always bother him about it. Sure he was a little too deep into his addiction and he was hurting but he didn’t even really care anymore, there was no reason to even care anymore. He didn’t even want to really care anymore either, why did he even want to care really.

The feeling of Marshal’s lips on his was a new feeling, he wondered why it just seemed so right and closing his eyes he tried to stop his tears wishing it never had to end. When Marshal pulled away his eyes opened again and he sniffled looking at him his tears falling down his face listening to him speak. “Marshal” he whispered quietly, he just looked so broken and fragile. It was a feeling and a way that Caedyn should never have to deal with, “I’ll stay but my grandmother’s funeral will be missed if I do. I don’t think you can afford to come with me for it, unlike my dad this funeral isn’t anywhere close by” Caedyn said quietly looking down wiping his eyes with the back of his hand just trying to hide his face. He was just so unhappy, but that kiss did make things even a little bit better. He knew that Marshal loved him too and that was all that mattered to him now.