I'm so sorry (Marshal)

[Caedyn James Maslow]

Dear Marshal,

Hey Marsh, if you’re reading this letter then I’m probably dead or well maybe I was saved and I’m not but it doesn’t matter. Either way I’ve decided to kill myself, and I really hope that you know that it isn’t your fault at all Marshal and that I love so much and I always will. The only thing is that I don’t think I can do this anymore; I’m just way too much of a screw up and I don’t even know how you can put up with me Marshal. I really don’t hell I don’t know how anyone can put up with me and no worries baby. It was only painful for a little while, and then I guess it just sorta ended. God Marshal I really scared of death, but I know it’s better for me if I go. I’m so sorry Marshal, and I love you so much babe. So much, and I hope you can move on somehow. I can really be with my dad now, I love you Marshal I need to say it again.

Signed,

Your Love Caedyn

His hand shook as tears fell down his face onto the paper before him, Caedyn had finally broken and now he knew there was no hope for him and that this really was the true end for him. This time he wasn’t just going to go home though, this time there would be no chance for anyone to save him and he knew that. He just didn’t think he cared though, he stared at the paper with its sloppy handwriting and smudged letters when it was finished before closing his eyes and laying the letter down on his coffee table sinking his head into his hands. He just wasn’t sure how things could just end up being this way, and how it was that he let them be this way but he did and now he had to fix things. Standing up he headed up to his room grabbing a pocket knife from his drawer before heading back down to his living room sitting down on the floor.

He stared at the knife for a moment closing his eyes taking a deep breath, he heard of taking pills but that just didn’t seem as fun it seemed like the weak person’s way to die and he always heard of people cutting themselves and just slowly bleeding out. He wanted to die slowly; he wanted to be able to suffer the entire time. That’s just what he knew he had to do and flicking the knife open he chewed on his lip creating a cut on his arm biting his tongue to hide the pain, one cut wouldn’t be enough so creating another similar cut only he closed his eyes watching as the blood fell to the hard wood floor. His blood seemed to calm him as all the words ever said to him played in his mind, his mother calling him a disgrace as a son, the kids who use to be in his school laughing at him, everything as another sob escaped his lips and his switched his knife to his other hand cutting his other arm.

It no longer seemed to pain him, and feeling woozy he closed his eyes again letting his self just lay on the floor bleeding. The last voice he heard was Marshal’s before his eyes closed, he knew he was dying and he honestly didn’t even care.

[Marshal Raidon Adams]

Marshal hated driving at night; it scared him to the bone. He felt like something could pop out of nowhere and he wouldn’t be able to dodge it. So as the light seemed to fade behind him as he drove , he begin to worry a bit. That didn’t help the growing knot-the feeling of impending doom- growing inside his stomach. Caedyn had been so depressed recently, what was he to do? Marshal silently wished he gone father that night, maybe that would’ve helped him. His hands gripped the steering wheel, the more he thought about Caedyns depression the more worried he became. The knot in his stomach had him breaking out into a cold sweat; he really needed to check on him. When Marshal arrived something just seemed off, it was too quite. He walked up the steps and knocked on the door; no reply. He waited for a few seconds, then he twisted the knob and just walked in. He was met with a metallic smell, but he didn’t hear anything. ”Caedyn?” He said, appearing through the door way; wondering where his boyfriend might be. It was then he saw him, on the floor, eyes closed. ”Caedyn!” His name tore out of his throat in a half scream half choked sob. Marshal could hardly understand what was happening, he dropped on the floor next to him. ”Caedyn!?” He put his shaking hands on the ground, when he lifted them back up there was blood.

The adrenaline of the moment made him move faster than he had before. Marshal didn’t stop for a second to rip his shirt into tatters to wrap it around the cuts on Caedyns arms; there was so many. He wrapped the clothing around the cuts like a tourniquet, as tight as he could. He was sobbing, his hands caked with the blood that seemed to be endless ,it was so red. Marshal didn’t was sobbing, he was shaking, he couldn’t think straight. ”Caedyn, please! Wake up? Caedyn? Darling? “ Marshal was pleading, he was shaking Caedyns shoulders. His tears began to mingle with the blood that seemed to be everywhere but inside his love.

911! Marshal pulled his phone out to call the paramedics, he was shaking almost too hard to see, but he got through. ’Hello? Operator? Please! Send a paramedic, oh my god. Theres so much blood. Hes bleeding, I need help, please save him!” Marshal was shouting through his sobs, and he tried to calmly give the lady the address. He hung up started to sob even more, there tears wouldn’t stop, he was almost choking on his own tears. Marshal pulled Caedyn into his lap so he could hold his head until the Paramedics arrived. ”Please Caedyn, please just stay a little longer. Helps on the way, I’m so sorry. Caedyn please, please don’t leave. I love you, oh my god I love you so much. “ He kissed Caedyns forehead as he cradled it, Caedyn couldn’t leave..

He stayed like that until flashing lights pulled up, and in came the paramedics. Marshal looked up at them somberly, but he didn’t hear anything they were saying. He couldn’t hear anything but the pounding of his own heart in his chest. Everything was happening in slow motion, was this real life? The paramedics pulled Caedyn away from him, everything was so cold. He watched them take him away, he looked..Peaceful. Marshal looked over to the coffee table, a note? He stok on shaky limbs and picked it up. As he did everything snapped back to reality. He almost fainted. Instead, he took the note and ran out of the house. He screamed at the paramedics, they had to let him ride along. He jumped in the back, looking at Caedyn with tear filled eyes. He fell into the seat, scrunching into a tiny ball to make himself unseen. Marshal couldn’t stop crying, he couldn’t stop thinking it was his fault. They had to save him, they had to. He loved him, he loved him so much. If Caedyn didn't pull through, Marshal would just do something to join him. He kept rereading the note, every time his heart breaking more.

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[Caedyn James Maslow]

As the blood flowed Caedyn could only feel his self grow weaker and wear as his eyes closed, six fresh cuts on his pale arms. He had no idea how it truly came to this but he knew that this really was the only thing he could do to just make all the pain go away, he was just in so much pain and everyday it just seemed to get so much harder for him to take and it was just consuming him. He was trapped in darkness with escape, it was like he was stuck in a maze and no matter how many times he tried getting out of it he was always stuck at a dead end. It seemed to him like this maze was nothing but dead ends, and if he didn't escape now he'd be stuck there forever. He didn't want to be stuck in this maze forever, so that's why he decided to end his life and the pain only lasted for a little while.

Caedyn was never afraid of pain, because he knew that pain was just there and there wasn't anything a person could do to get rid of this pain. This is why he cut, at least then the pain on the inside wasn't so bad. The pain on the outside in fact almost matched the pain he felt deep inside, so much pain that he just couldn't take it. As he fell into nothingness he faintly heard Marshal's voice, "please just stay" it told him and he thought to his self. What was there to even hold on to anymore, Caedyn didn't want to hold on? Thing is Caedyn didn't want to hold on, he didn't want to stay when he felt that there was no reason for him to even stay and hold on anymore. He just felt that his life was so fucked up, the only good thing in it was Marshal and he just really hoped that Marshal was able to find it in his self to forgive Caedyn for this. He also hoped that he knew that none of this was ever Marshal’s fault, he knew that he would probably find a way to blame his self though and he knew that he shouldn’t have to.

None of this was Marshal’s fault, Caedyn just loved him so much and leaving him would be alone the hardest thing that he would ever have to do but he was better off that way without him. He had fallen into nothingness, but he knew he was still alive. He could sense that he was and he could tell that someone was really disappointed in him, wait a minute was he dreaming. He heard a voice, wait a minute he knew that voice. That was his father’s voice, “Caedyn I’m really disappointed in you son. Going and trying to take your life, think of what your boyfriend is going through” he heard in his head. “Dad shut up, why couldn’t you have made an appearance sooner, you have to choose the moment your son commits suicide to come” Caedyn mumbled in his own thoughts.

“Thing is son, I’m not going to go and let you just die when it isn’t your time to. I mean listen to the boy Caedyn, he’s so upset. Now I want you to live, and I also want you to start taking your medications now and most of all, I want you to remember that I love you and I’m always here for you” and that was it. The moment the paramedics got him into the van and to the hospital it was about six hours in till he was awake and laying in a hospital bed his hair still matted with his own blood, he had no idea what was going on and he was set up on blood transfusions. “Wh-what’s going on” he mumbled, he didn’t even sound like himself.

[Marshal Raidon Adams]

Marshal was too far gone, the paramedics asked him questions but he couldn’t answer. It was like his mouth was glued shut, his jaw rendered useless. They had also tried taking the note out of his hands, but Marshal was protecting the thing like it was his life. He just kept reading it over and over, unable to really grasp the concept. Of course he understood the note, but he refused to actually think about it. He was silently sobbing inside the ambulance, all the paramedics had given up on getting him to talk. The only reply they had gotten out of his was when they asked Marshals relationship to Caedyn, and Marshal had weakly told him that Caedyn was the love of his life. They shook their heads and continued their work around him once again. His phone went off, but Marshal didn’t think he could answer it, not now. One of them had the decency to find him a shirt, even though it was just really a hospital gown. They also made him was his hands a few times and scrape off any blood.It seemed like the longest ride in his life, the inky black night was like an abyss. Marshal had to ponder if they would make it there in time, the question resurfacing every time he looked at Caedyn’s still body. Then he had to wait in the waiting room of the E.R, which was total torture. No one would tell him anything, no one would even look him in the eye, or give him a straight answer. He started off pacing the huge windows, unable to sit still. After his feet had grown tried he sat in one of the hard chairs they offered. He couldn’t just sit though. He watched people come and leave, some grieving for lost ones and others happy; he hoped to be among the happy ones. Marshal had taken up pacing again when a nurse came out to talk to him. Caedyn was stable, but asleep. He hadn’t woken up yet, but Marshal could see him. Marshal hadn’t had been crying at random intervals, but now they spilled out again. He needed to see him.

Marshal speed walked down the hall-He wasn’t allowed to run- to where Caedyn should be. He opened the heavy door and walked in, he was greeted by the beeping sounds of the various machines in the room and the usual stench of hospital. Caedyn was in the center of the room, tucked in on the hospital bed with white sheets and blankets. He looked peaceful, like he was just sleeping. Until Marshal noticed all the machines that he was hooked up too, and that changed everything again. The tears streamed out this time, his face already blotchy and his eyes puffy. During the hours of waiting he had talked to him mom, and she had wanted to sit and wait with him. Marshal wouldn’t put her through that, she had been crying on the other end as well.

Pulling the chair close to the bed, Marshal sat in it. He was going to stay wide awake until Caedyn woke up. The tears wouldn’t stop coming, but they were silent sobs for the most part. He couldn’t stand it, not a bit. He kept a protective hand on the note in his pocket, and he kept a watchful eye on Caedyn. He kept making sure he was breathing well, and that nothing seemed off. He couldn’t help but glare at the cuts on his arm, but he tried not to look. He didn’t want to be reminded of that moment, even though he could stop reliving it in his head. Marshal would never be able to forgive himself is Caedyn died, he put the blame on himself. He was a physch major, he should’ve seen all the signs, he should of seen it regardless!

Marshal held his head in his hands and started crying all over again, why hadn’t seen it? This was the second time he had been so oblivious to something, he almost lost the person closest to him. He loved Caedyn entirely way to much, and he had failed him for the third time. Marshal was unable to advance in their relationship, and he was unable to see Caedyns feelings. He was a horrible boyfriend. This was his fault, he should’ve seen it. He really wasn’t good for Caedyn, obviously, just look at the mess he had caused. He was still beating himself up when Caedyn mumbled. Marshal hadn’t even heard him at first, but the he realized it. He looked up and almost died, his heart beating right out of his chest. ”C-caedyn?! Caedyn! Should I call the nurse? Oh my god you’re awake. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. You’re alive! “ Marshal's voice came out weak and hoarse, yet he was hardly able to contain himself. He tried to wipe away some of the tears and he jumped to his feet in a heartbeat.

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[Caedyn James Maslow]

Six hours, six long hours Caedyn was unconscious. That’s a pretty long time for the boy to be out, but with the amount of blood he lost the boy really was lucky to just be alive and thinking back on it now he was actually a little happy to be alive. His dad was right in saying that Marshal would be upset if he died, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted him to even have to think about him dying and it was scary to just think that if he was any later that he really could have died. He wondered if his mom would honestly even care if he died, a part of him honestly didn’t think she would. She pretty much just threw him out of her life years ago when all these problems began so why would she care that her only son and child tried to end his own life, she just made him so mad sometimes. He never disobeyed her growing up and he was nineteen now and entitled to his own life and yet she still tried to control it, maybe that was why they didn’t always seem to get along. He just wanted to try and live his own life, gosh he was sure that she would just go and tell him just how stupid and a disgrace he really was to her.

Like was the last thing the boy needed while he was in the hospital though, even more so when he was still on suicide watch and he probably would be for a couple of days. It was just a lot easier if his mom never heard about what happened, she wouldn’t care and Caedyn knew that. His mom meant nothing to him anymore, the women who he use to love so much pushed him out of her life when he needed her the most. When his father died Marshal really did just give up on everything, he hardly wanted to live anymore because he knew that he really did cause his father a lot of grief and now he couldn’t even fix things between then. Even if his father did love him he knew that he should have been a better son when he was still alive, maybe if things had played out differently there could have still been a chance that he could be alive or something. He really did miss his father, no matter what other people thought or said to him he loved his father a lot and he really wished he just had one more day with him.

He hated when people didn’t take advantage of what they had, because you never knew when you wouldn’t have that anymore. Caedyn wish he understood that before hand, maybe then he would have spent more time with his dad. He felt almost jealous of other people who still had even both their parents; they just never really seemed to take advantage of that. Now that his dad was gone he knew he would be sure to take advantage of it if he just had that chance again, and just heading his dad’s voice now he really wished he could have remained out cold even just a little longer. He had so many questions for him, but he knew that it was time for him to wake up now and that Marshal probably needed him. He was pretty much sure that the boy was freaking out thinking that Caedyn was going to die, he didn’t want Marshal thinking that any longer and all he had to do now was wake up.

His eyes opened and he blinked slightly the light was burning them slightly causing him to groan shutting them again; he hated having to wake up with bright lights in his eyes. That was when he noticed he was in the hospital though, so he was still alive, he sighed glancing at his arm that was wrapped up in a bandage the bleeding had stopped on the way to the hospital but the boy still lost a good bit of blood and was looking pale for a while. He only now seemed to have regained even a little bit of his color back and that alone wasn’t enough. The doctors were planning to keep him for a few days just to see how he would hold up and how he was going to hold up, they were also planning on starting him on some meds for the depression and other issues he was going to be facing when he left the hospital. They didn’t need him ever showing up here again, that was in fact the last thing that they actually wanted to really happen but if it did happen he knew that it wouldn’t be as simple. Caedyn was really being pretty stupid lately and he felt bad about it, Marshal’s voice almost surprised him. Had he been crying, he thought to his self?

“N-no” Caedyn mumbled shaking his head weakly; he didn’t want the nurses coming in her yet. He needed to talk to Marshal first, “Marsh you pretty much saved my life” he said quietly. He just wanted to know that Marshal was the one who saved him, “I’m sorry for even trying that now. Thinking that you could have almost lost me, you could be having to plan a funeral” Caedyn mumbled taking a deep and really shaky breath. He honestly didn’t even want to think about that, he didn't want to think about death and funerals any longer. No he just wanted to calm the hell down and let that be that.

[Marshal Raidon Adams]

Marshal hated seeing Caedyn like this; hooked up to all these machines and looking so..Marshal didn’t know how to put it but he didn’t like it at all. He was trying really hard to only look at Caedyns face, or anywhere but his arms. He didn’t want to see the bandages over the cuts, because he knew that the cuts were there. He really hated this, he was bringing himself down. Marshal was majoring in psychology, so why hadn’t he been able to read the signs? This moths study had wrapped around mannerisms and how they showed emotions. Marshal had never noticed the signs, why hadn’t he noticed? He was becoming such a failure. He was hardly passing the class. This was the second time Marshal had been oblivious to something and it had resulted in almost losing the best person in his life. All within one months time, it was horrible.

It would be a total lie if Marshal said he wasn’t freaking out when Caedyn awoke. The nurse would probably need to check on him or something. But something inside him didn’t want the Nurse to come in and ruin the moment. He wanted to be able to talk to him before they put him on meds that would make him loopy, or before they came in and made him leave. So a he had time. Wiping away the tears was pretty useless, because they wouldn’t stop coming. His nose was red and his face was blotchy, and the hours of crying left him shaking and drained of any energy. He hadn’t been able to sleep because every time he closed his eyes he saw everything again. He could still smell the blood in the room, the feelings all came back too.


He tried looking at Caedyn right in the eye, but it was hard. He was still shaking, his heart was beating faster than it ever had before, he couldn’t see straight anymore. Marshal had already been told by one of the paramedics that his speedy decisions had helped Caedyn immensely, but he didn’t want to think about it. He wanted to take that new pill that helps people forget bad things and just forget. Caedyn just made him remember again, and more tears came. ’ I know, they told me. “ Planning a funeral.. Marshal didn’t even want to think of that. It would be one of the worst things ever, it wasn’t something he could do. He would have to give the job to someone else, because he wouldn’t be able to at all.


” Oh no, please Caedyn. Don’t say anything like that, please? You’re okay now right? So lets not think about that..” Marshal looked to the ground as he spoke, his voice hoarse, cracking in random spots. He wanted to put his hand over Caedyns, but he was far to afraid to do that. He felt like that if he touched Caedyn, he might just shatter into different pieces. He was far to fragile looking-In Marshals mind- While he laid in the bed. There was also all those stories about someone reaching over someone and accidentally pulling out the other persons IV or whatever he was hooked up to. Or what if accidentally stepped on something and cut off like, all of Caedyn’s stuff? Marshal sat back down and pulled his feet under him so he wouldn't accidentally do anything wrong.

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[Caedyn James Maslow]

Caedyn just felt so horrible for any of the trouble he knew he caused for doing what he did, only weak people tried to kill themselves so he supposed that he was weak and he probably was. Caedyn knew that he was slowly beginning to lose all control of his life and that he really needed help before he tried killing his self again and this time succeeding in doing so, he knew he would be missed. At the time he didn’t care about that though, when he was depressed it didn’t seem like much of anything mattered to him anymore because he was just depressed and he really didn’t like feeling that way at all. He didn’t like feeling depressed, really he didn’t but he just couldn’t seem to be able to deal with the way he felt and being bad at handling his emotions he handled things in his own way.

Caedyn dealt with his problems by trying to end his own life, and he was just really lucky that Marshal was there to save him when he did or he would probably be dead right now and Marshal would be without his boyfriend and his friends without well a friend. He wasn’t sure if he really wanted that to happen, just when he thought about it, it sounded a lot worse then he first thought it would be. He really hated worrying people too but he was sure by doing what he did he would just go and worry a bunch people by all the stupid things he did, and as if the drugs and drinking weren’t bad enough. Now he had the scars on his arms forever, and they would always be reminding him of just what he did. He thought about that if he ever decided to go off and adopt kids that even they would see them too, that is if by any chance he was even allowed to adopt since he was just a High School graduate with a physch major for a boyfriend and he also didn’t know if they would even stay together.

At the moment he mostly wondered how the hell he could ever step foot in his house again with the blood that was on his floor, “Marshal how am I going to step foot in my house again knowing that there’s my flood on my floor. I know the smell will always linger there” Caedyn sniffled his eyes slowly beginning to fill with tears at the very thought of that, he was honestly a little scared to go back home when the time came now. He didn’t want to think of it now though, now he just wanted to be able to relax a little and talk with Marshal even though he was stuck laying up here in a boring hospital bed. He wasn’t really one for hospitals, in fact he hated them and glancing at his IV really just made him sorta queasy and he closed his eyes a little bit glancing at Marshal again.

“I’m just fine Marshal really love you have nothing to worry about. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere” Caedyn whispered his voice so hoarse, it made him sound even more depressing and it was just awful to have to hear it. Caedyn really just seemed so fragile, almost like paper that if you ever just touched him you could easily tear him or break him. He really didn’t like feeling this way so really gently taking his good hand he reached over running his fingers through Marshal’s hair, “you have no idea how much I love you Marshal. Really I do love you and I’m sorry for scaring you the way I did. I promise to never do that again” he whispered.

[Marshal Raidon Adams]

Marshal was born with a bubbly and seemingly care-free personality, but one of his secret traits was that he was prone to worry himself to death. He was never the one to worry over tiny things nor was he the kid who stopped everyone from having fun. Recently though, it seemed like all his worries were collecting in a tiny pit and it was on the edge of over flowing. When it overflows though.. Not even Marshal knew what would happen then. Though he was set out on getting rid of the tiny things first, like paying off debts and cleaning his place for once, maybe even organize his stuff for class. He was putting one foot in front of the other, and that was all he could do.
Drugs, drinking, and suicide weren’t any of the thousands of solutions floating through Marshals head though, because he knew that would never solve anything. He had always thought of himself as a strong person, someone who could clear their mind during a situation and solve it easily. Right now, he couldn’t do anything but think of everything that could’ve happened. Caedyn could’ve died, Marshal would have to tell his little sister, Caedyns mom, his mom. It would have just been so horrible. All of the images he had in head, the funereal, the memorial. The tears, the grave stone.

Breathing in and out deeply and slowly, Marshal was trying to calm himself. There was no need to cry anymore, right? He just kept repeating to himself that Caedyn was okay, and that nothing was rong and that everything was going to be okay. He couldn’t help but feel that pain in his chest though, or hear that ringing in his ears when Caedyn spoke. He didn’t want to make Caedyn feel bad, no of course not. He just honestly didn’t know what to say anymore. What if he said something wrong and it set him off again? Was he stepping on light waters again?

Marshal tried to smile for his boyfriend, a small feeble one. ”I love you too, Caedyn, a lot. A lot more than I think you know, because I don’t know quite yet how to express it to you. “ He felt a twang of guilt when Caedyn ran his fingers through Marshals hair, for no real reason. ” Look, darling, He said as he moved to hold Caedyns hand in his own. ” I don’t think I ever could stand losing you. Ive realized that twice this month, I’ve almost lost you twice forever because I was so oblivious, and I am so sorry. But since you are still here, I will make it up to you in almost every single way possible because I love you..” Marshal’s eyes were warm and affectionate.

[Caedyn James Maslow]

Caedyn was normally the same way, Marshal normally being the person who could always cheer him up and keep him happy even though he sometimes just felt so miserable and depressed that he truly didn’t even want to continue living any longer. That was why he tried to commit suicide but clearly Marshal wasn’t going to let that happen to his beloved boyfriend, and Caedyn almost felt selfish for trying to do such a thing when he knew that he would be missed. Maybe not so much by his own mother but by a lot of other people, losing his father just brought on a lot of stress in his life, and he hated feeling like he was growing up on his own now. He was still pretty young and just trying to figure out his life out, he only now came out about his true sexuality and confessed his love for his best friend in public even but now it just seemed to much hard. He had no idea what he was doing anymore and in a way he was just simply terrified, he felt like somehow he was just going to mess up like he did now. The boy almost died, and just picturing if he did die he closed his eyes. He didn’t want to imagine the look on Marshal’s face when the doctor said “sorry he didn’t make it”, he knew that he’d cry.

He loved Marshal he truly did but he was just dealing with a lot and he was just finding it hard to even control everything, his life was just a total mess. He also wondered what his grave stone would read, probably just his name and his birth date and death date. He only seemed to wonder if there would even be anything special, maybe Marshal would have that arranged. Caedyn wiped his eyes with his free hand and sighed a little bit taking a slight breath, his arms hurt from being cut but other than that he was fine. He just knew he would never be able to set foot in his house again knowing what happened in there, he almost died in there and he wouldn’t want to be reminded of that every time he walked inside. That was in fact the last thing the boy needed, just another thing in his life to depress him. He hated being depressed, but he felt like there was just no way to even escape it anymore. He was just sorta stuck like this and it really sorta sucked.

“I’m sorry Marshal, really I am love I was just feeling so unhappy for some reason that it just felt like the easiest way out even though I knew that so many people would miss me” he whispered looking at him. “I know you love me so much, and love you more than anything and I always have” he added looking down at their hands. “Love happens in crazy ways, you never know who you’ll fall in love with in till it happens they say and I’m so happy to even just have you in my life. You mean so much to me Marshal, you have no idea” he breathed looking into the boys eyes. He had such amazing eyes, he just seemed to love them.